Somewhere I think I stopped playing by the rules

So the other day, a dear friend of mine stopped by the local wine store to pick up a bottle of wine for me and walked in and told one of the owners of the store who she was buying the wine for. My friend got the wine and came to my house (we have a standing knitting and drinking session at least once a week, where perhaps we sometimes we devolve into listening to John Denver songs on Spotify- or maybe I force her to listen to my favorite old Prince songs while I dance and she giggles at me and knits…that’s a different post) she put the wine down and laughed. I asked her why she was already laughing (that’s usually a glass or so in) and she said “When I told him who I was buying the wine for, he asked me how you were feeling today….and when I asked him if he meant physically or in here (and she pointed to her heart, and head) he said in here. I told him that you felt a little sad yesterday, but today you were feeling better, and he said, okay- then give her this wine. It will work for her today.” When my friend told me this my heart smiled and it really struck me that somewhere I think I stopped playing by the rules. I live in a small town and own a small yoga studio and have the honor of working with, witnessing, facilitating the healing of many wonderful people. I have the rare privilege of routinely seeing people stripped down to their rawest states, trusting me to hold this space where they can do their work and feel safe. People trust me with what they feel are the darkest, ugliest, parts of themselves and I have the honor to be able to watch them confront these parts and realize that though it may feel dark, none of it is ugly…it is part of who they are. I have the amazing honor of watching people learn to love all parts of themselves, understanding that there must always be dark in the midst of light to find the universal balance that we all seek at a primal level. I watch people connect with each other, support each other, release judgment. This morning I watched a woman make the profound connection that her mind and body are the same, while watching another woman start to realize that she even has a body that works together to support itself instead of as a jumble of parts working separately. I watched a man who is on hard, brave,long, journey continue to work through a lifetime of emotional and spiritual pain that he has held in his body. I worked with and witnessed a couple who are about to have a baby affirm their already instinctual ability to breathe, move, connect with each other in preparation for labor and the crazy, awesome journey ahead of them as parents. That was just this morning. Somewhere in this caccooned life of small town and safe space, I stopped playing by the rules- but didn’t even realize it. I stopped censoring myself when I wanted to tell someone I loved them (and I realized I love a lot of people), I stopped really worrying about what other people thought about me, so when people asked me how I was- I started to actually tell them. If I didn’t go out, I told people why, I stopped apologizing as much for what I thought my failings were. I wore my heart on my sleeve. I listened to my deepest inner voice, I trusted my gut, I stopped judging myself for feeling very clearly that the universe is made up of energy and profound mystery that we can only begin to tap into. I became spiritual. I spoke about tangible and intangible things with the same conviction. I allowed myself to see beauty. I allowed myself to feel happy. I allowed myself to go deep into my pain and fear without trying to fix them instead seeing them, honoring them, and allowing the parts of myself to unfold the ways they needed to.I accepted the dark parts as real parts of myself, and started to have a dialogue with it. I started to understand faith. I talked unabashedly,I said the irreverent things no one wanted to say and people really felt. I complimented people without hesitation. I fell completely head over heels in love with myself….at the same time in some ways fell completely head over heels in love with everyone I met. It was their light, their honesty, their bravery that I saw reflected in myself. Does that mean I LIKE everyone I meet- shit, no! A lot of people make me crazy, are annoying, needy,selfish, a pain in my ass….but somewhere in there I realized that if I stopped loving them, i would have to stop loving myself, for am I not all of these things too? (just ask the people closest to me).  When I leave this safe haven of my studio and my hometown, where people have now gotten used to the way I move through the world (and like the owner of the wine shop honor that), I have moments of doubt and fear. I have noticed though, that if I allow myself to smile at people, look people in the eyes, hug someone, tell someone I love them, (if that’s how Im feeling) acknowledge the kick assedness that is them (cause holy shit people are sooooo kick ass), no one gives a shit that I just stopped playing by the rules (and we all know what the rules are), and as a matter of fact very often I can tell through the softness, lightness, smiles and EASE people feel in those moments, they are dying to stop playing by the rules. At the end of the day we all just want to be SEEN. We all just want someone to realize that we are amazing, and perfect, and flawed, and scared. We all want to be safe. So what if we all stop playing by the rules? What would happen if we all wrote a new set of rules?  (I know Id still be dancing my ass off and laughing so hard I pee my pants a little- but hey, each to her own <3)